The Sin I Must Confront: My Battle with Pride

So, this has triggered me, in a sense, to do this, to think about my sins, my individual sins. I think everyone has their weaknesses. And for me, that weakness, and the pattern that keeps showing up in my life, honestly, because I struggle with it every day, is pride. A part of me thinks that I'm better than everybody else, thinks that I'm wiser, that I'm more spiritual, especially the spiritual part of it. Part of me thinks that I am closer to God than most people, and that I'm going to be a thousand times more successful, and most people are going to be left behind. And I am worried. Well, I wouldn't say worried, but because obviously now getting back into the Word of God, I understand that God is in control fully, and that those are just challenges that I have to face myself. And I think one of those challenges in particular is to admit to my weaknesses and what sounds dirty, you know? Just when you hear someone say these things, you know, you don't like that person because you assume that if somebody is saying those things and confessing to those things, then they're automatically, like, proving that their entire personhood is all about arrogance and pride, and they look down on people, and they're assholes, and they treat people terribly and all that. But that's not the case. Because there's another part of me that constantly doubts my abilities, doubts that I am better than other people, and instead, like, below other people, that other people are so much smarter than me, so much more capable than me, so much more spiritually connected to God than I am, which sounds strange because I just literally said the opposite. And so how could that be possible to have two conflicting persons within one person? Or characteristics, I guess, in one person. And, well, the Bible supports that. The Bible supports that, warns against being double-minded. Paul mentions that he is constantly fighting this battle between what he wants to do and what he doesn't want to do, and the things that he wants to do, he doesn't, and the things that he does, he does not want to do. And so this is throughout Scripture. Every single patriarch, every single person in Scripture battled with this. And this is, well, the temptation, right? Which can lead to sin. And so can lead to behavior that hurts you and hurts other people around you. Like if you were to say to someone, verbally speaking, it out loud, that you're a dumbass and you're never going to achieve anything, and I'm so much better than you. Like, that right there is a sin in my book. And I think it's in the Bible too. I could be wrong with that interpretation, but I could just see that the words that we know in the Scripture, it says that words, they, well, I'm not sure if this is specifically in Scripture, but words cut like knives, you know? Like, they are damaging. Words actually have meaning and energy behind them, and they can hurt people. And so if you are condemning someone like that, then you are sinning. You are effectively hurting that person. But it's a different thing if you think it, in my opinion, and it's just in your head. But the moment that you speak it, that's a totally different story. That's the difference between temptation, having the thoughts in your head about saying such things towards other people, and actually doing it by actually speaking it out loud. And so this battle for me, and that became extremely clear when I OD'd on LSD not too long ago. And not to get into that story, but simply put, I believe there was an open door for me to think that by taking LSD, I was connecting with God in a deep way. But that was a lie. That was my flesh. And when I was on it, it was this magnified flesh that took me over completely and convinced me that every single person that I ran into, every person that was in my neighborhood, they all knew who I was, and they're all secretly trying to get close to me because they knew that I was God. And I thought that I was protected from all that once I believed and knew who God really was, and if I tried LSD, then it would magnify those beliefs about knowing who God really is. But that's a lie. It does not. It magnifies your flesh. It magnifies all of the dirty parts of you that want control, that lust for power and sexual gratification, and just absolutely disgusting desires that are just not aligned with the will of God. And so, yeah, it became very clear that that was my specific struggle, my specific weakness more than anything. And I think it's because most of my life I didn't think that way. And so I was making up for lost time, and that's probably why I got addicted to LSD in particular because it so-called reminded me of my power. But when I found Christ, that's when I realized that I had to surrender that idea, ideology, delusion, because that's what it was. That's what it is. I'm no different than anybody else. I may think that I'm better and that I'm more special than other people, but I'm absolutely not. And again, that's the fight. And to some degree, I'm not going to lie that, you know, it does give me some drive at least. If I believe that I'm better than other people, then, you know, it helps me achieve to a certain degree. But that balance, having and knowing deep down in my spirit that I'm not, and that we were all created in the image of God, that balances me out. And now, being in my right mind and not taking other substances that make my flesh magnify, I'm able to truly understand that for what it really is. And when we actually surrender ourselves, surrender our wills, when we truly understand that God has a plan for each of us in our own lives, and as long as we're moving forward and keeping with His commandments and practicing His laws and treating other people with dignity and respect, and ourselves by loving ourselves, by going to the gym, by loving our neighbor, by creating projects and being creative and bringing light into the world, that's where we are following after Christ. And the more that we do these things, the more that we get closer to Him and further away from our flesh. And so, it's a battle. And the reason why, especially now that I'm thinking about...that I'm thinking about this is that God is now giving me an opportunity, like a massive opportunity that will change my life forever. And not just internally now, because that has been going on for the past two and a half, three years. But especially within this last year and a half has been just a magnified transformation internally. But now, things are catching up in the external world, and my life will never be the same again. And with that comes a change in lifestyle, a change in finances, where I will be in a position to show just how hard I can work, and that work will directly produce financial wealth and freedom. And with more financial wealth and freedom, which I've honestly never really experienced before, I need to dip my toes in the water and get used to this bit by bit so that my flesh does not take over the driver's seat again, because every time that it does, I get further away from God, and I think that I can do it on my own. And every time that happens, I fall. So, this is the path that I'm taking now. And it's a new journey and new challenges ahead, but knowing my sins, I have the weapons of Scripture in order to combat them. And so, currently I am reading Nebuchadnezzar's story in Daniel chapter 4, or starting in Daniel chapter 1. And I'm gonna read on to Saul's rejection in 1 Samuel 15, Samson's downfall in Judges 16, Uzziah's pride in 2 Chronicles 26, Haman's craving admiration in Esther 5-7, chapter 5-7, valuing appearance and status over character. And this is the rebuking of the Pharisees in Matthew 23, and trusting in his own goodness rather than God's mercy, the Pharisees and tax collectors in Luke 18, verse 9-14. And then summing it all up with the humility of Christ in Philippians 2, chapter 2. So, this is the start of a new journey, and I wouldn't have it any other way. I can't wait to continuously surrender to the will of God. Amen.

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